where not to source okayness

i seem like i’m really into uncertainty from the outside. i’m the gal that never got her licence, that dropped out of uni, that’s always moving houses and cities, jobs and most recently countries. i don’t stick.

don’t be fooled pals. it’s not itchy feet. it’s survival. this is just one of my many methods for control & my ultimate source of okayness.

i’m not ok in the world. the whole thing freaks me out. a whole lame-ass list of very real fears exists and my inept capability to calculate what will make me ok.

boredom. loneliness. not enough space. too much space. suffering. emotions. madness. being average. not being real. working a lousy job. starving.

FOOD. i’m someone who eats my way into an illusion of control. i know exactly how much emotional satisfaction i will get from each meal. how much each meal will fill me up, physically and emotionally. i eat a varying dose of dark chocolate each night and 1-3 glasses of wine because my calculations are always wrong. i have bottomless hunger for okayness.

CAFFEINE. i go through periods of buying a $5–6 soy lattes every single day. please don’t do the maths on this. i value my emotional okayness over my financial okayness. this hot bevy is my anchor for productivity which means hope that i’m doing something creatively worthwhile with my time. it lasts 1–3 hours, on a good day, before i need another fix of okayness.

WINE. oh boy, this might be my fav source. there is nothing sweeter than a glass of wine while cooking up tea, followed by another 4 glasses. my head is a busy space. (space is the wrong word to use, because here, there is zip.) wine gives me a little space and a lot of focus on nothing. this is possibly the only time i ever think i might know what calm feels like.

ART. this one’s tricky. creating something can either fill me up for hours or leave me emptier than when i started seeking that particular hit of okayness. it’s either therapeutic or awful. it’s my russian roulette of okayness.

SO SAD TODAY. my latest source of okayness is my copy of so sad today by melissa broder. i carry this book almost everywhere. but i finished it months ago. i sit myself down with my girl MB and i feel like at least one person in the world feels my daily pains. this is all i need. a re-read snippet of belonging. mostly i don’t even read it. just knowing i have it on me gives me a little less anxiety.

ok so maybs i don’t know where to source okayness. any suggestions?

ciao,

itsprils.

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